Defining Me?

I had a talk with someone today who, wanted some medical advice for a friend. I listened as I saw a troubled person whose life was defined by past events. For a moment while talking I felt as if I were a fly on the wall, listening in on a private conversation. In that moment I paused for a millisecond and said am I talking about me?

No one that I have met can give me the story of a fairy tale childhood, my childhood was no different. I have my share of emotional and mental scars, as well as rotting corpses and dried bones in my closet. Today I forced myself to step back away from my life and reevaluate it.

Why do I act the way I act? Why do I do the things that I do? Who in the world am I? This bout of introspection may surprise some, but for me this is almost ritualistic behavior. Since childhood I have been looking at my own life through a microscope and dissecting it apart to see what makes me tick.

I used to pride myself for my regular bouts of introspection. For me, those episodes proved to help me evaluate myself and not be a prisoner to life's events. However, for some time now I have just been so busy plodding along with my life, that I have forgotten to stop and reevaluate what I am doing.

As a result I have just fallen back into the trap of hide and block. This means I hide from the world with smiles, fall into an obsessive compulsive behavior and block out all persons and all forms of thought. I have simply allowed my previous scars to define me.

I hate being controlled even though the puppetmaster is my own mind. I know for some would stop right now and say this chick is crazy. I mean how weird is it to be fighting myself. Albeit seems insane I am engaged in my own civil war for control of my actions. I am seeking the ability for control of my own life. I refuse to let situations or circumstances, past or present define who I am. I will not be defined by pain, loss, failures, and oddly enough, not even successes. I will be who I want to be.

So as for the past defining me? I think I can define myself.