If only she "touched me".

I have been a practicing physician for the last four years, I am still doing general medicine. There is so much more than I can learn and so much more I want to learn. I am a work in progress. Speaking of work I think I am one of the slowest persons around, reason being I want to make sure I dont miss anything. In fact most times physical exams are concentrated to one general area or body system based on complaint, and time can vary from mere minutes to more.

I have had the opportunity today to listen as my cousin in Canada told me about her visit to the doctors office. She had a concern and sought medical attention. Which was wise of her. She however left the doctors office with a prescription in hand and pretty much disappointed. The doctor gave her concern a quick glance but never examined her. What hit me like a brick was when she said " I would feel much better if the doctor would have touched it."

These words seem simple but it reminds me that patients have certain expectations of us. I know sometimes we may have seen a condition over and over and over, but if that person is not one of those many times then this could be a first for them. The patient could be terrified over what we think is simple. However, how do they know that?

I know in a jammed pack office where you see 40 plus patients a day it can be draining and frustrating. However, I think I will take this little message with me always. Stop for a second and see the patient as a person not just a diagnosis. I think reassurance is always part of the job.

I secretly wonder what my patients say about me....

Where is GOD?

I often look up at the skies
And wonder if God’s up there
When I cry in bed at night
I wonder if he can hear

When I think of the homeless man
I wonder if God can see
Watching all children die
I wonder how it could be

How could he let his children suffer
In a world so full of grief
And why do we loose another love
To the hands and knife of a thief

When I hear of a battered wife
I wonder if God can feel
And when I hear of woman raped
I wonder if he’s for real

Then I see the sun rise each day
And hear the oceans sing
I feel the breeze hug me tight
While the tree praise their king

I see the blind man giving thanks
For the life that he can live
I hear of lame men performing wonders
With the joys that they can give

I hear the children laughing
And watch the flowers grow
I know of the poor whose happy
And then I come to know

That in this time that we’re alive
There will be laughter mixed with sadness
And when we sometimes fall and stumble
It is God who is there to catch us

For he knows that with out the grief
We often fail to see
That there are days of joy and smiles
And no burdens of worry

So with the pain we grow to hate
Comes with what we love
The wonderful mercies and grace of God
Who is always watching above

© Erica S. N. Cooper

Something from my archive of writing. It is so funny how in my time of stress and frustration I wonder how could I write this? I feel so far from GOD right now and it takes me about 6 or 7 years younger to give me encouragement. Talk about time travel.

Defining Me?

I had a talk with someone today who, wanted some medical advice for a friend. I listened as I saw a troubled person whose life was defined by past events. For a moment while talking I felt as if I were a fly on the wall, listening in on a private conversation. In that moment I paused for a millisecond and said am I talking about me?

No one that I have met can give me the story of a fairy tale childhood, my childhood was no different. I have my share of emotional and mental scars, as well as rotting corpses and dried bones in my closet. Today I forced myself to step back away from my life and reevaluate it.

Why do I act the way I act? Why do I do the things that I do? Who in the world am I? This bout of introspection may surprise some, but for me this is almost ritualistic behavior. Since childhood I have been looking at my own life through a microscope and dissecting it apart to see what makes me tick.

I used to pride myself for my regular bouts of introspection. For me, those episodes proved to help me evaluate myself and not be a prisoner to life's events. However, for some time now I have just been so busy plodding along with my life, that I have forgotten to stop and reevaluate what I am doing.

As a result I have just fallen back into the trap of hide and block. This means I hide from the world with smiles, fall into an obsessive compulsive behavior and block out all persons and all forms of thought. I have simply allowed my previous scars to define me.

I hate being controlled even though the puppetmaster is my own mind. I know for some would stop right now and say this chick is crazy. I mean how weird is it to be fighting myself. Albeit seems insane I am engaged in my own civil war for control of my actions. I am seeking the ability for control of my own life. I refuse to let situations or circumstances, past or present define who I am. I will not be defined by pain, loss, failures, and oddly enough, not even successes. I will be who I want to be.

So as for the past defining me? I think I can define myself.

A Mother's Love

Tonight I woke up after having slept for some 18 hours. I was painful, hungry and extremely disoriented. Despite all of that I quickly forgot my physical discomforts and became upset. I said to myself, "why did'nt mommy wake me??"

So I got out of bed, albeit a little bent over, to ask her myself. The house was dark and quiet but I went straight to her bed room, called her name and barged in. The bed was empty and the room remained dark. I closed the door and then proceeded to call my SiL's name and knocked on her room door. She opened it and I said where is everybody? She informed me her husband was at work and my mother was at church. (or so we assumed, since it is Sunday) I check my other brothers room and find out that he also was not home. Note this was around 7pm!

I rubbed my back to ease the pain, took some pain meds, drank some calories and lay back down and watched reruns of smallville.

I looked up at the clock and i was like oh boy time to post my pic. (365 days of shamise) I did that and my brother came home complaining of a cough. At this point it still did not register that it was after ten and my mother was not home as yet.

It was not until 11:04pm my sister in law said, " Is your mother sleeping?" I said "No, she is not in her room. I assumed she was at church. She did not pass my room door." Alarms went off! It was after 11 and my mother was not home from church!!!!

I quickly got on the phone. I called the church. The caretaker answered, he sounded full of sleep and said church was over a long time ago. I still assumed there was an evening service. I then called assistant pastor, she informed me that she was not sure of any other services tonight but we did not have one tonight. My beta blocked heart started pounding! I said she was going to a lenten tea and fashion show this afternoon but that should be long over! She said yes it is. So Rev'd R said she will make calls.

I then frantically searched my room for my mothers phone book. I kept telling my SiL about the little torn phone book. We looked in her bible all over her bed and we found nothing. I sat back down in my bed on the brink of tears and called my mothers phone for the 5th time!!!! Still no answer. I was like I dont have the numbers of any of her friends. What would I do?

I then got a call from Rev'd R, who told me that there was a play by one of our sister churches. I said thanks Ill call people who go there. Only person I knew who goes to that church is my Aunt. Guess what? I did not have her number! I then searched my mothers room again, this time I was trying to think. I found a phone book and spoke to my Aunt who said she saw my mom at church, but she left 1/2 an hour ago before the play ended.

The next thing I did was go down the list and started calling people who mommy might have went with! I got an answering machine. I called Rev'd R back, and while on the phone I hear my sis in law rowing. Then I heard my mothers voice. I told Rev'd R she was home and I was gonna fuss her out now.

The long and short of it is that Mommy told my SiL or maybe she thought she did several days ago what she was gonna do today. I was never told anything. I then gave her the speech! "How dare you leave this house and no one in the house knows where you are going? We dont have telephone numbers of any of your friends. You are not allowed to leave this house unless at least two people know where you are going at the time!!!!"

Ok lets go back two paces! Yes I am the daughter, and yes I was talking to my mother! In that moment, my chest ached as I imagined a world with out my mother. I suddenly started itching all over and had this intense heat consume me. I started sweating and even shaking a bit just imagining all the horrors that could have befalled my mother in this day and age. I then said Thank You GOD.

So really even though I titled this blog, ' A Mother's Love', it really is about a daughters love. However, if it were not for the love my mother has given me through the years, I doubt there would have been much love coming from this daughter. I am happy mommy is in her bed all safe and sound.

There is no other love in this world like a mother's love. That may be true, but I think a daughters love comes very close!

So far so good? Nope! So far no good!!!

I went to dinner with my girlfriends tonight. It was TT's birthday and we went to Lucianos. I got there late after a string of things that just was NOT going my way. After dinner we broke off in groups and the aim was to go home. I was with two friends and well we walked and talked and then sat in the car and talked some more. Alot of the common topics came up, work, money, men, and our futures. While talking I said " Who would have thought that a medical degree would mean nothing?". As I made this statement the realization hit me. I am 32, I successfully completed medical school and recieved a medical degree, thats it!!! I came back home to The Bahamas to work as a physician. I have spent time in the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department, I spent time in the Internal Medicine Department, and now I am getting some experience in the Emergency Department. Out of the four years since I have graduated it was a slap in the face to realize that I have nothing to show for what I have been doing. Granted I have gained alot of experience. I have learnt quite alot about the medical field. I am still learning today as I encounter new things in the Emergency Room. However, other than the experience, the tears, the long calls, the sleepless nights, the complete and utter frustration as your seniors disrespect you, oh and I wont forget the deteriorating health...really what do I have to show for my last four years. I was not in a residency program so I do not have any certification to show for my time. This thought depresses me to say the least. Now this is not the end of the road and there are options out there for me. I can make it my goal to put 200% into getting myself sorted out to apply to a residency program somewhere, The US, Austrailia, The UK, South Africa, The Caribbean. I sit here and as this realization penetrates to every fiber of my being, I am recieving an internal motivation to get off of my laurels and do something about not having anything. So despite having done so much so far; my present state is so far NO good. I vow tonight however, to make it to so far so good!!!

Apprehension.....

The Christmas of 02 was a rough one for me. First thing I think now is why in the world would it have been rough. I was spending my christmas in Trinidad with one of my best friends. We went from fete to fete and danced til our legs were sore. However, my heart was broken into a million pieces. That story is for another blog. Anyway, I took to the book that January while still in Trinidad. I poured out so many poems, and creative pieces. One of which I still look back on and smile. This piece I called apprehension because I wanted the readers to feel expectant of a great misfortune when reading the piece. So from my mind to your eyes.... A shot rang through the air; shattering the silence of the night. It sang songs of an inevitable future; taunting me and saying it was time. Silence resumed, but it was even more deafening. And I waited. As the beads of sweat kissed my brow, the rhythmic pounding in my ears grew louder. The song seemed vaguely familiar with a profound ancient lure. I looked around for the source of the music. I swallowed with a parched throat as realization hit me. The beating congo was with in me. it pounded out an erratic and hypnotizing beat. With each beat everything before me began to swim as if I were looking into a kaleidescope. I closed my eyes to ward off the vertigo. With my eyes closed in vain, my dark world continued to dance to the beating of my heart, and I waited. A foreign rasp was added to my internal music. It fell constantly out of beat and made the darkness spin faster. Closing my mouth I tried to control the rasp as the air rapidly was being sucked in and out. With my lips pinched together my mouth gave in to a desire to dance. The trembling moved down from my lips in what seemed to be a heated wave. The heat settled in my stomach and began its own waltz. Dancing with such ferocious liberty it was oblivious to the limited suroundings. It danced and I waited. My heart took on an even faster rhythm and the fire in my stomach seemed to retaliate. It surged upward with a raw anger burning everything in its path. It slitered back down, but not with out leaving the bitter memory of bile behind. As my world continued to dance in harmony with my beating heart, my brain fought. It fought through the fog it was encased in and told me to "run". "Run! Run!: I go the message but my legs felt planted to the ground. I opened my eyes and looked down surprised to see my own feet dancing. The dancing legs were as one then seperated and joined once more. I willed them to move, yet they wouldnt. My legs proved to be useless, I closed my eyes as my legs united again. With eyes closed I waited. Liquid terror escaped from the newly formed slits on my face. It was a solitary soldier on a slow funeral procession to my dancing lips. It gave me a salty kiss before it fell to a silent death. I tried to run one more time. This time there was movement. The rustling fabric of my pants added a scrape the to the pounding and the rasping. My trembling knees refused any longer to keep me up. Gravity won the fight. My world fell in slow motion. I tumbled for what seemed like an eternity in a vacuum until I became one with the earth. I could not move, the scrape was gone but the pounding grew louder. I lay there and I waited. The rasp came back but I could not close my lips to chase it away. My muscles seemed frozen. With my eyes pinned shut, terror now squeezed from them in streams. The heat left my stomach and waltzed through my body, sending me into convulsions. Pain! It came unknowingly but instantly part of the symphony. I couldnt move and I felt trapped. I was helpless and immobilized. I listened as my rasp became more shallow and my congo drum grew softer. I listened as the beat began to fade and waited..... © 2003 Erica S. N. Cooper This is one of my favorite pieces that I have written. One day it will be in a book :) one day! Hope you enjoyed!

Entering my Mind

The saying goes "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." What if then, I am using this mind of mine but not as much as I know that I can? Is it still a waste? I am asking because I feel I am becoming brain dead. Well this is how I am feeling. I use my mind for work, alot. There is but only a small part that entails repetitive behaviour.

The thing is as a teenager I was so much more active physically, mentally, spritually and socially. I wrote poetry, short stories, I drew(with both left and right hand) , I was active in at least 5 clubs simultaneously, I was a common fixture at church, I went to the childrens home, home for the aged and even went to the redcross as community helper. Oh yeah and I had to go to school as well and study. Today I go to work and I come home. Thats it; NO other life in between.

I have alot of thoughts, and ideas, that I would love to share with others. I have often said I will start a blog. I however, have not been pretty successful in that venture. So today I opened up an account and I will try to blog something every day.

So welcome to my mind. I promise it will be a bumpy ride at times; I am far from having it all up there! :)